Coffeehouse Culture Issue 2 Page 1 (Mac)

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WHAT'S ON THIS PAGE NAVIGATION BOX
EDITORIAL: Excuses, Excuses, Excuses | CONTENTS BOX: Opening Section (pages 1 & 2); the
Cannabisness Section (pages 3 to 6); the Lead Feature Pages (pages 7 to 9); the Life and D'Ath
Health Section (pages 10 & 11); Special Report Section -- In Defiance of Science (pages 12 to 15);
the Inner Light Section (pages 16 to 20); the Back Pages Section (pages 21 to 24) | INSPIRATIONAL
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....EDITORIAL -- We Call It 'The Why Front'

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PLAIN TEXT
What can we offer you but . . . .
EXCUSES,
EXCUSES,
EXCUSES
In a pathetic plea for understanding, the editor tries to
explain why issue two has taken so long to appear,
why it is here at all, why we continue to do it and (oopps!)
what it is all about. Why Amsterdam. Why consciousness.
Why cannabis. And what the hell is Culture? Why, oh, why?
All these questions and more are answered below

elcome, dear reader, to issue two of Coffeehouse Culture.And our apologies for keeping you waiting. It has been a while since issue one but life does get in the way so. It is not as if we don’t work constantly on the site but it is big. (The Coffeehouse Culture Book of Facks tells us that there are over 1400 separate html pages on the site. So only 1397 to go.) A project of that size demands constant

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maintenance. It is, therefore, not so surprising that the e-zine, Coffeehouse Culture, which is the core of the site and its main reason for existence, gets pushed onto the back burner. It is even less surprising when you look at what putting together an issue of Coffee-
house Culture involves. In the issue you are currently reading there are 24 pages of copy. Twenty-four long pages. Filling that amount of space with any old rubbish would take a fair bit of time; filling it with complete and utter crap takes far longer. Every issue of Coffee-
house Culture contains between 100,000 and 150,000 words almost all of which are produced in-house. That is more than in an average paperback novel but probably not quite as many as in a good paperback novel.

It's an anathema

WYou might ask why, if the publication is so crucial to the the site, it doesn’t get a higher priority. The answer is both simple and complex. Put simply, we have to recognise that as an e-zine, Coffeehouse Culture is an anathema in today’s multi-media society. As an entity

. . . . smoking cannabis is an activity that has many positive effects on both the individual and society. In helping to develop the spiritual qualities that are among man’s loftiest aspirations, in bringing out the caring, kindly and compassionate qualities of the heart, in bringing personal confidence and mental strength, in wiping clean the lenses of vision, in creating a dynamic of mental activity in which original thinking is nurtured, in stimulating creativity and developing the impulse to communicate that creativity --- in all these areas of the individual cannabis can and does have an effect . . . .

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Coffeehouse Culture was born within and came out of Amsterdam. The Amsterdam experience. What distinguishes Amsterdam from all other cities, what makes it a unique ‘social experiment,’ what has happened and is happening right now in Amsterdam was and is the inspiration for Coffeehouse Culture.
WAlthough Coffeehouse Culture might seem to be no more than a collection of writings dealing with and of interest to members of the alternative culture, almost everything it contains is designed to develop a hypothesis. Although it is something of an over-simplification, essentially the hypothesis is that smoking cannabis is an activity that has many positive effects on both the individual and society. In helping to develop the spiritual qualities that are among man’s loftiest aspirations, in bringing out the caring, kindly and compassionate qualities of the heart, in bringing personal confidence and mental strength, in wiping clean the lenses of vision, in creating a dynamic of mental activity in which original thinking is nurtured, in

based on the written word it is entirely out of tune with the mood of 21st century communication. That it is to be found on the web merely emphasises the anachronism that Coffeehouse Culture represents.
WWhere does that leave us? Well, we would not be putting so much into keeping the site alive or into the production of new material if we didn’t want it to be read. Our problem has

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horse could carry them, could be trans-
ported to distant climes. That was -- and is -- magic. Reading a book was a bit like watching a movie in your head; the words created the pictures and the pictures simply played. The only requirement was that you picked up the book and read it.
WAll that, of course, has changed in thelast 50 years or so. The power of the word has been debased, depleted and

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stimulating creativity and developing the
impulse to communicate that creativity
--- in all these areas of the individual cannabis can and does have an effect.
WAlthough almost every experienced dope smoker knows all this to be true, it is still fairly revolutionary to be saying it. These, however, are the things that Coffeehouse Culture stands for.

. . . . (Amsterdam) offers no less
than a vision of and template for
a better future . . . .

all but destroyed by the power of the image. Who needs a book to carry them into darkest Africa when they can go there with David

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Shhhh ! We're keeping it quiet

WNone of this, of course, helps in getting people to read Coffeehouse Culture. No one but no one wants to read the rantings of a hippy eccentric.

been and is getting people here and getting them to read it. Recognising that this is a multi-media society in which the historical pre-eminence of the writt-
en word has been toppled by other forms of communications, we sought to make the site more than merely words. To this end we created our virtual temple, the Inner Sanctum, a multi-media experience if ever there was one, and put together the Cultcha Shop with its enticing pictures of Amsterdam’s finest.
WKnowing full well that most people log onto the Coffeehouse Culture site for purposes other than reading and that many of them have the attention-span of a goldfish and/or a literacy problem that gives them the reading age of a five year old (goldfish,) we hope to draw them into the newspaper with the smart-assed one-liners that grace so many of the pages of this expansive web site. Well, at least they are short.

Money, Sex and a Laugh

WThere are three things people will almost invariably go out of their way for: money, sex and a laugh.We have none

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Attenborough? Who needs to read about world history when there is history being made right now that you can watch play itself out as it happens? Who needs to be transported into another reality on the wings of words when there are movies that do it all for you? Reading The Times seems to be a lot of effort when you can just turn on CNN.
WConsidering that is what we are com-
peting against, you must be wondering why we do it. We frequently ask ourselves the same question. We always, however, come upwith the same answer.

Like John Wayne

WWe do it because we have to. Like John Wayne, ‘We are on a mission from Gawd.’ Through Coffeehouse Culture we have something we have to say. Something that we think is important and significant, something new and fairly revolutionary. Indeed, we are writing about the primary issues that control the human condition -- personal development and evolution. These are the issues which decide the very nature of our society. What we are saying

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No one wants to be lectured. No one wants to be talked down to. No one wants to be educated. Therefore, we try and keep it quiet. Oh yes we do.
WInstead what we do is try to make Coffeehouse Culture as capitivating as we can. For those with attention span problems there are plenty of one-liners; some of which convey in only a very few words the essentials of our ethos. We hope that the deep wisdom and/or profundity these have to convey will slip in under the laughter. We hope. And for those who can handle something a little longer (or, indeed, much longer) we have the articles that are the whole point of the thing. Every one of these is carefully groomed, primped and preened into a shape that we hope makes for easy and enjoyable reading. And, of course, humour is rarely long absent.
WAnd here we are back at the beginn-
ing -- why it has taken so long to get this issue of Coffeehouse Culture onto the site. The answer is, ladies and gentlemen, the amount of work. Just that. Constructing something that people might have an interest in reading and that has the ability to distract them

of the first and, therefore, would be pleased to accept any donations. We are pleased to offer you the second (please send a photograph.) But laughter, we can really get behind that. And it is just about the only tool we have on our utility belt that might just get them in there and reading. But the power of the written word is not what it was.
WThere was a time, children, when words on paper offered the only access

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Coffeehouse Culture was born within and came out of Amsterdam. The Amsterdam Experience. What distinguishes Amsterdam from all other cities, what makes it a unique ‘social experiment,' what has happened and is happening right now in Amsterdam was and is the inspiration for Coffeehouse Culture.

through Coffeehouse
Culture, we
believe,offers no
less than a vision
of and template
for a better future
We have already
identified where
that future is
being made and,
through Coffee-
house Culture,

to the world at large. In the books in the great libraries of the world all human knowledge was gathered together. In the absence of fast transportation and instant communication, books were just about the only way that one society could find out about another. Through the written word those who could travel no further than their legs or those of a
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we can describe and define the nature of the beast.
WIf that all sounds fine and high-minded and noble, it is time to bring you down to earth. For, into this equation, Coffeehouse Culture introduces an element that puts the revs into revolutionary. The bit of earth we wish to bring you down to is Amsterdam.
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from the short-term fixes provided by TV and computers, requires constant creativity, painstaking work, long hours, a good dictionary and a bottomless coffeepot.
WWe are sorry that it has taken so long but, at last, here it is. We can only hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed putting it together.
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With all the grace of Godzilla and all the slime of the Creature from the Black Lagoon,
our Contents List drags itself from the bubbling primordial soup. Naked and shivering,
exhausted and gasping for breath in the thin methane-rich atmosphere it crawls towards
the beginning of time or the nearest MacDonalds with a message of hope, fulfilment and
joy. But alas, the hostile environment -- the angry earth and sick green skies, the heat,
the stench of sulphur, the acid atmosphere -- takes its toll. Still stuck in the mud and
mire on the edges of evolution, life starts to drain from our valiant Contents List. As
its vital signs diminish and fade we can only offer it a small place in history. And here it is.

A Contents Navigation Console, appearing in a new window on top
of this one, is available. To use the Console, Click Here
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ESPECIALLY FOR SHORT-ATTENTION SPAN READERS:
Almost all the main articles in this issue contain display quotes that
bring out the essence of what is being said in just a few lines.

and

FOR THE SEMI-ILLITERATE: Lots of nice pictures.

PAGES 1 and 2
The SO UP OURSELVES IT HURTS Section
Who says there is no such thing as synchronicity? For here we are reading about page one while we
are actually on it. Wyrrd, huh?

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..1 . • EDITORIAL -- Excuses, Excuses, Excuses: In a desperate plea for understanding our editor does some explaining, complaining and exclaiming.

.. . . • CONTENTS -- What's In This Issue; Page by
Page Contents Listing: It's a case of deja vu (as those who can't spell 'synchronicity' say.)

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.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Zen and the Art of
Listening: Wit, wisdom, sagacious advice or just more patronising crap? The first of many snappy aphorisms to help you fake it, we mean deal with life. Specially designed for the socially inept. Short-attention span material guaranteed not to tax your literacy. Every page features at least one Inspirational offering a trite, superficial or obvious message or observation that should, at least, make you smile and might just help you find out who to blame. We like to think that these are the proverbs of the Third Millennium but, honestly, who are we kidding?
•
Isn't Zen just the...
kind of belief...
system that a...
nation of raw fish...
eating, paper house...
living short people...
would come up with?...
Zen is, after all, the...
Nothing that explains...
the Everything....

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..2 . •• WEB SITE UPDATE••
• FEATURE -- Just Minding The Gaia: Bank, buy, bonk. Is the Web a Yuppie wet dream or evolutionary quantum leap? We look at what the web means to us, the world and the Cosmos.
• FEATURE -- Partying With The Angels: Roll up that trouser leg, tighten that blindfold, careful with those ritual implements. Okay, assume the ritual posture for you are about to enter the Inner Sanctum. Where the angels come to party.
• FEATURE -- Shop 'til You Drop: Bloomingdales, Harrods, Tiffanys, Fortnum & Mason, Kwik Save and the Cultcha Shop. Beats the hell out of real shopping because it isn't real.
• FEATURETTE -- Amazon Grace: How sweet the sound.
• NEWS STORY -- On Higher Ground: More up-ourselfisms.

The Coffeehouse Culture...
site was one of the first...
cannabis-orientated web...
sites to be accepted by...
Amazon....

.. . . • TRAILER -- In This Douche Bag of an Issue: The first of many trailers. Highlights from this Contents List for those who didn't bother to read it. Specially designed for the lazy, the illiterate and those who can only read advertisements. Large-sized type for the partially sighted (braille version coming soon) and the intellectually challenged.

.... . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- It's A Dirty Job: But somebody has to do it. And we are pleased to oblige.
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PAGES 3 to 6
The CANNABISNESS Section
Meanwhile, down at the addiction clinic . . . . For those who think Coffeehouse Culture is about
dope smoking, here is the Section that made them think it. However, for those who think that dope
smoking is a prelude to brain death, there is something vaguely unsettling about what we have to say
and the way that we say it. At least, that is what we like to think.

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..3 . • DIARY -- The Coffeehouse Creeper: More outasight insights from our disgracefully wasted wastrel. Our whacked-out, way-out and wyrrd diarist offers a bumper selection of eleven insider tales from the coffeeshop tables of Amsterdam. If you want to connect with the real Amsterdam, the Coffeehouse Creeper will guide you into the secret places where every little crook and nanny is an explorative delight.

.... . . • TRAILER -- In The Cannabisiness Section: Put together especially for the Pepsi generation and those who like to dress like the Bash Street kids (on speed.)

.... . . • CARTOON -- Trouble with Joints: A suitably dopey cartoon for our dopiest pages.

.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- McLuhan's Message.
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..4 . • NEWS FEATURE -- The Cups Overfloweth: The Cannabis Cup as it has never been reported before. So long, rich and satisfying you'll think it is a joint. So colourful, evocative and involving you'll think you were there unless you were there, in which case you will not remember a thing. Packed full of one-liners. From the Milky Way to Uranus, we have plumbed heights of degradation to join the
Space Cadet Pioneer Corps as they zoom off into the great blue yonder. All on your behalf.

.. . . • FEATURE -- Worshipping at the Temple of the Green Goddess: The Cannabis Cup involves a lot more than merely excessive over-consumption. Join us at the feet of the GanjaMa for a religious experience that will make your hair stand on end but is sure to take you higher. Like most religious experiences, this one involves the music that is our 'special friend' with dramatic contributions from Patti Smith, Jefferson Starship and others. Once again you have never read a Cannabis Cup report quite like this one.

There are many stories in...
this issue of Coffeehouse...
Culture that have some- ..
thing new(ish) to say...
Few, however, have as...
much to say as this one....
Although smoking is...
invariably linked to...
spirituality in the minds...
of most informed people,...
rarely has that assoc-...
ation been sovividly...
described or so evocat-...
ively defined....

.... . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- She Was Dreaming: Patti Smith gets the Coffeehouse Culture treatment.

.. . . • NEWS STORY -- Bouffants Are Out: More repression from the Land of the Free. Where it is always a bad hair day.

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.... . . • HOUSE ADVERTISEMENT -- Sign Up For Our Newletter. Enhance your life by signing up for one of the least frequent newsletters on the web.

.... . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Shine On. So, shine on you crazy diamond. A message from your local electricity company.
•

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..5 . • FEATURE -- Great Books, Laurence: If Laurence Cherniak is the St. Paul of the smoking world, he had his epiphany on the road to Katmandu. And out of it came the books that constitute a major part of our Canon. In this fulsome tribute to the man, his mission and his masterwork, we look at the contribution 'The Great Books of Cannabis' have made to our understanding and knowledge of the Sacred Herb and give credit where it is due.

.... . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Laurence Cherniak
-- A Biography (of Sorts): We show that the diminutive Laurence Cherniak is a giant of versatility who redefines the term 'multi-tasking.'.

We might be taking...
our hat off to Mr...
Cherniak but we...
certainly will not...
be swapping....

.... . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Seeding the Culture:
Where would Laurence Cherniak have been without the sponsorship of those wonderful guys at the Sensi Seed Bank? In fact where would the culture be without them?

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.. . . • SERIES -- Growing with Greenfinger: Getting Down to Details: Join our own Fester Greenfinger, the Luther Burbank of cannabis, for some tips on growing for pleasure and prophet.

It gets aarde and...
aarde when it should...
get easier and easier....
This joke is brought to you.
by the Anglo-Dutch Chamber.
of Punsters..

.... .. . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Angels can Fly: Even though they are not bacon.
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..6 . • FEATURE SERIAL -- Let The Good Times Roll Part 2: Just a Trick of The Light: In part 2 of our major review of how the UK smoking scene has been changed by the Amsterdam connection, we meet some middle-class representatives of England's most dynamic growth industry and discover not a hippie in sight

.. . . • SERIES -- Neat Eats, Treats and Sweets: A Little Something to Digest: You've heard of Cordon Bleu, well we have Gordon Green, straight from Home Economics 420. Mmmmmm! If you want to learn how to turn good smoking grass into mediocre chilli, this is not the place to do it. Our motto: Eat, drink and fall over and forget your name.

.... . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Hands, Heart, Head.
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PAGES 7 to 9
The LEAD FEATURE Pages
The Long And Winding Road
As we stand on this time-bridge between the ages we can gaze back down the long, long road we
have travelled. It has been a long journey but we have come so far. And still we are travelling on.
In this major serialised history of the alternative culture of which we are all a part, we shall be
bringing together the straggling strands of our recent history and knitting them into a whole new
cardigan of comprehension. In the first three parts of this book-length serialisation, we will be setting
the scene when there wasn't a scene to set.

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..7 .. • THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD: Introduction -- Freedom's Highway: It could almost have been a Terry Gillam movie or a George Orwell novel but this was for real. As the smokes and fumes of war dissipated, it was only grey despair that hung in the air. But that was about to change.

Who could have...
guessed that within...
two decades...
the grey gabardine...
post war depression...
would turn into...
a street party....

.... . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Cast List:
Like every epic, this one has a cast of thousands. Meet the shamen and sages, saints and sinners, charismatics and conmen, jesters and fools who will star in this world- shaking social upheaval.

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Music Provided By:
This was a revolution, the first revolution, that went at 33 and a third rpm. Never before had a rebellion been so well orchestrated. The bands were legion and the names are legendary. But we had a lot of dancing to do.

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.... . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- A Bop 'til You Drop Special.
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..8 .. • THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD: Part One -- Ain't Got No Home: Here comes freedom. The freedom to have no job, no money, no home, no hope. Where did it all start, this amazing rich, varied and creative culture based around a herb? What was it that fanned a barely glowing ember into a fire that consumed a 2000 year-old moral ethos and caught light to the minds and hearts of a whole generation? Could it have been the Devil's Music and its dirty, lowdown but infinitely syncopated reality injection? In the first part of our trip down the History Road, we tell all.

The slaves were the...
poorest of the poor....
So poor, in fact, that...
they didn't own...
themselves. Motherless...
children all, they were...
a long way from home,...
alone and unloved. It is...
no wonder that...
one day someone woke...
up to find 'the blues...
all round the bed.'...

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Grave Trade: It would have been better if it had been the gravy trade because dealing with brown sauces never harmed anyone. But it wasn't. The slave trade is one of many blemishes on the undershirt of US history and (unlike gravy) it is one that doesn't wash out.

.. .. .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Grey Turns To Blue: The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down: They called it the Civil War but it wasn't very civil to shoot each other.

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.. .. .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Ain't Gonna Be A Slave No More: And after slavery, freedom? You've gotta be kidding. There was freedom, of course, the freedom to become indentured to the 'Man' whose shackles were those of debt. The freedom to work on the turpentine farms and in the logging camps where Hell was a vision that became reality. Or the freedom to take to the open road. Many chose the latter.

.. .. .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Mystery of History: Legends, lies and history.

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.. .. .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- No Rolling Papers.
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..9 .. • THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD: Part Two -- Hard Travellin': It had all been a dream. An American dream that had come crashing around the shoulders of Wall Street financiers and had all but buried the prosperous farmlands of Oklahoma, Colarado and Kansas. Suddenly the po' blacks were joined by the po' whites and they weren't gonna be treated this-a way. In the second part of our serialised history of the alternative society we look at the cultural cross-fertilisation that was the main result of America's economic decline into near destitution.

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Manic Depression: Economic instability is something we have come to live with but when the Great Depression hit the States in the 1930s it was a totally new, unexpected and life destroying experience. A bit depressing, really.

So many people...
jumped from...
windows, it should...
have been called...
'the Wall Street Splat.'...

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Digging The Dirt: Although it is right there in the Bill of Rights, the Land of the Free discovered free speech and suddenly no-one (in Government) was safe.

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Workers Of The World Unite: It had always been a case of 'us and them.' They might have had the money and the power but we had the numbers. In the ferment of social and economic change it was time for the working man to stand up for equality.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- The Present.
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PAGES 10 and 11
The LIFE AND D'ATH HEALTH Section
With his case under appeal, the less than appealling Dokker D'Ath, our own health expat, has
returned from his stay in the psychological assessment centre refreshed and ready to ply
his trade. With his bag full of interesting pharmaceuticals, unusual and intriguing surgical applicances,
a range of dubious and unidentifiable organic substances plus his emergency hairdressing kit, he is ready
for just about anything. Short back and sides, anyone?

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..10 .. • FEATURE -- DANCING WITH Dr. D: Patience and Patient Power: The not so good Dokker offers some tales from his medical career (parental guidance recommended) and some observations on the Patient/Dokker dynamic. But it is better than him offering to place his healing hands upon your body.

.. . .. • MINI-SERIES FEATURETTE -- Portraits From the Attic: Join us as we meet some of the Dokker's famous and imfamous ancestors. From the delphic D'Aths of ancient Greece to D'Ath Vadar, the Dokker's family have always been on the cutting edge between life and death. In the Medical Hall of Fame, portraits of the D'Aths hang -- as did several members of the family -- in profusion.

.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- A Disease, Despair & D'Ath Pain and Suffering Special.

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..11 .. • FEATURE -- The Healing Pool: In his sparkling introduction to our major new series offering an A to Z of alternative medicine, Dokker D'Ath examines the rise and fall of allopathy and considers the implications of a return to natural health.

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.. . .. • SERIES -- QUICK QUACKS & PHERAPY PHACTS: An A to Z of Alternative Medicine: Everything you wanted to know about alternative medicine but were not quite interested enough to find out for yourself. Everything from acupressure to 'Oh my gawd, I'm not drinking that!'
In this issue:
Acupressure -- Giving It The Finger;
Acupuncture -- Feeling a Bit of a Prick;
The Alexander Technique -- The Art of Standing;
Aromatherapy -- Something In The Air.

.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Be Right.
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PAGES 12 to 15
SPECIAL REPORT
In Defiance of Science
In this special report consisting of ten ( okay, eight and two trailers) linked articles we confront
the mistake of the intellect that has been foisted upon us by science. What a lot science and
scientists have given us. But, somehow, in subscribing so wholeheartedly to the Mammon of
New Technology we seem to have lost the membership card that kept us dancing to the music
of time. Not only have we gained a material world but we have come to believe that it is
the real and only world. And in our efforts to control that world we have forgotten that we, too,
are part of Nature.

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..12 .. • FEATURE -- The Wrong Diagram: How did we arrive at this pivotal point in techno-time? Maybe we should consider where we are, how we got here and what we lost on the way. Before it is too late.

.. . .. • FEATURE -- A Reliance On Science: Why is it easier to believe in constantly changing technology than in the permanent, unchanging, immutable Cosmic Core from which we come?

.. . .. • TRAILER -- In This Coffeehouse Culture Special Report: What can we say? It's a trailer.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Freedom Is A State of Mind.
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..13 .. • FEATURE -- The Alchemical Marriage: There was once a time when the lines were not so clearly drawn. It is not so long ago that science was just a step away from magic and chemistry was about the tranformation of the soul.

It might have seemed...
lo-tech science...
but it wasn't science...
at all. Nor was it magic....
Alchemy was an art...
and a subtle, secret...
and highly sophisicated...
spiritual path....

.. . .. • FEATURE -- Science And Prescience: We are lost within the machine. What we see are the wheels and cogs that make things run but we miss the unifying force that connects them all together and makes the whole thing work.

.. . .. • FEATURE -- The Apple Dude: The Mistake of Science? You can blame Isaac Newton, the man who invented gravity (or was that gravy?) But there is more to this enigmatic man than meets the eye.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Make Your Own Reality.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Pleased to Share.
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..14 .. • FEATURE -- The Missing Link: Although we are losing it fast, once we had a connection with the Cosmic generator. So where did that come from? Flicking back through the pages of history, we rediscover the source of it all.

.. . .. • FEATURE -- I-Fo, UFO, We-Fo: In this 'aliens probed my delicate parts' extravaganza, we look at what happened last time there was a starburst of consciousness into the world.

.. . .. • TRAILER -- Et In Arcadia Ego: This is a trailer for another of our book-length serialisations. In the next issue we will be starting a thorough examination of one of the most influential, sinister and enigmatic organisations the world has ever seen-- the Knights Templar. From the Grail Legends to the alchemical laboratory to the creation of the science of physics -- the Templars were everywhere. Bringing together the strands of over thirty years of investigation, this will be a history like no other.

The list of the Grand...
Masters of the Templars...
most secret but enduring...
cell, the Priory de Sion,...
makes interesting...
reading. Among those...
listed are such artistic...
luminaries as Leonardo...
da Vinci and Botticelli,...
influential scientists Isaac...
Newton and Robert Fludd...
and writers Victor Hugo...
and Jean Cocteau....

.. . .. • TRAILER -- BLASPHEMY SPECIAL: Jeezus, Son of Gawd: We'll burn in Hell but we have to tell you the truth about Jesus Christ. As we bring you new knowledge that reveals aspects of the Christian mythos that have not been considered before, you will be open-mouthed. Running alongside our history of the Templars, this is the key to understanding the power the Knights wielded throughout Europe. There was a reason that the Templars could intimidate popes and potentates and it is because they knew the truths we will be revealing in this major feature series.

.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Think Today.
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..15 .. • FEATURE -- Visions Of Infinity: In a final burst of rainbow colours, we bring our argument (as we like to call this ragbag of poorly thought-out, appallingly misinterpreted, archly self-opinionated psuedo-intellectual misconceptions) to a conclusion. Taking author Paul Devereaux' vivid description of his first trip as our medium, we define again the nature and source of spiritual experience. Much more fun to read than it sounds.

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.. . .. • FEATURETTE -- Thinking Cosmos: And, finally, this is the reason it is all so important

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.. . .. • FEATURETTE -- Paradigm Time: Well, it's gotta be better than just one digm.

. . .. • SIDEBOX FEATURETTE -- The Trip Trap: If Mr Devereaux' ecstatic experiences sound good, we understand. However, in order to fly you need wings and/or a parachute. In this box we offer you some tripping advice and a warning or two.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- The Noble Ninefold Path.
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PAGES 16 to 20
The INNER LIGHT Section
Holy Roller, Mighty Stone, show us all the way back home
Seers, Sages, Shamen and Saints; Flashes,Visions, Insights and Dreams; Lost Worlds, Strange
Dimensions and Parallel Realities; Ancient Wisdom, Timeless Truths and Sacred Knowledge.

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..16 .. • EDITORIAL -- A Bit On The Light Side: The electrical puns come thick and fast as we welcome you to Coffeehouse Culture's Twilight Zone.

.. .. .. • TRAILER -- In The Inner Light Section: It's
eee-lect-rrreee-fffyyy-ing.

. . .. • FEATURE -- In The Hall Of The Time Lords: Our House astrologer and Metaphysical Commissioning Editor, Sandy Hughes, makes her debut with a bang as she tells you when the Age of Aquarius begins.

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.. . .. • FEATURE -- All The World's An Age: It seems like an age, is a phrase we have all used but how long exactly is an Age and what does it mean?

. . .. • FEATURETTE -- There's A Muse Loose: Meet the lady herself.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Beats The Hell Out Of Yoghurt.
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..17 .. • FEATURE SERIAL -- CULTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS PART 2: In The Beginning Was The Word: Our own Indiana Jones of Consciousness, Mr Bliss, comes down from his Himalayan retreat high in the Peruvian Andes to take us back in time. To the Golden Age of the Vedas when, from the depths of consciousness, the ancient Rishis cognized the hidden secrets of the Cosmos. In part 2 of his epic exploration of aspects of Vedic culture, Mr Bliss puts his ear to the ground and hears the throbbing heart of silence.
Continued on next page.

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.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Sound Of Silence: There is quiet and then there is Silence. Out of the eternal vibrating silence all sounds are born.

. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Language Of The Gods: The basis of language as we know it, Sanskrit, is said to replicate the vibrations that make up the whole of creation.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- You Say 'Vadar' and I say 'Veda.'
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..18 .. • FEATURE SERIAL -- CULTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS PART 2: In The Beginning Was The Word
Continued from previous page.

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.... . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Roots Of Yoga: Join us as we explore the teachings of the Great Sage and Father of Yoga, Patanjali, to explain what this much misunderstood term really means.

. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Paint It Black: The ancient Vedic scriptures, the Puranas, offer us a stark description of life in Kali Yuga, the dark age of ignorance, that is over 5000 years old. But it sounds like an unnervingly accurate description of life as we know it.

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.. . .. • INSPIRATIONAL -- Knowledge Is Structured In Consciousness.
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..19 .. • FEATURE SERIAL -- CULTURE OF CONSCIOUSNESS PART 2: In The Beginning Was The Word
Continued from previous page.

.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Celestial Music: Everything you ever wanted to to know about ragas.

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.. . .. • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Six Systems of Indian Philosophy: The world's most ancient Truth Machine.

.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Charity Begins At Om
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..20 . • FEATURE -- THE CELESTINE PROPHECY -- INSIDE THE INSIGHTS: The Secret Of Its Success: In a Metaphysical Head-To-Head, two knowledgeable and experienced metaphysicians discuss what made The Celestine Prophecy so successful.

.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Way You Say It: Demonstrating that the Celestine Insights are not carved in stone, we offer two alternative versions that seem to be saying something rather different to the original.

. . . • DIARY -- Crones' Corner: Our new resident Crone and Wyrrd Womyn gives the guys the finger and says: "How do you like it, boys?"

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.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- In The Crone's Cupboard: New medications for wymyn.

.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Three Proverbs: Taken from an ancient Peruvian manscript found on a bench in a station waiting room in Prague, here are three 21st century proverbs.
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PAGES 21 to 24
The BACK PAGES Section
Welcome to the politically incorrect section as we call the real world. Here there is something to
offend everyone. But, hey, that's what makes it all worthwhile. And while you are being offended
the rest are laughing their heads off. For this is our Humour Zone.

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..21 . • FEATURE -- The Other Side of Life: In which we prepare you for the low humour that is to follow and lament the fact that political correctness has taken so much of the fun out of life.

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. . . • FEATURE SERIES -- CUNNING STUNTS: From the land where IQ is a short Japanese poem, we bring you our Smugness Zone. This is the place where we celebrate human intelligence. And you can hear our raucous jubilation all the way out in the kitchen.
In this issue:
The Darwin Awards -- For The Dead Successful: Once again we pay tribute to those who made their contribution to the gene pool by removing themselves from it in the most spectacularly stupid ways.
Burning Bush -- A 'Misunderestimated' Man: Our tribute to the genius of George Dubya Bush -- mainly in his inimitable words. What a roll model, he is.

.. . . SPECIAL FEATURE:
The George Bush Primate of the Month Gallery
Be sure to pay it a visit ..

. . . The Mind Of Marketing -- You Have Been Warned: We pay tribute to one of the wonders of the modern age, the business of marketing -- where intelligence is the secret ingredient.
Continued on next page.

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.. . . • TRAILER -- On The Back Pages In This Issue. ..

.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Grevous Bodily Karma: Physical damage is only a step away.

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.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Bio-Optic Organised Knowledge Device: This just might catch on.

.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Their Fate was Sealed: Sick, sick, sick.

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. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Poise And Pen 1: The art of letter writing reaches new heights of sophistication -- not to mention irony and sarcasm -- with hilarious results.

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.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Poise And Pen 2: Barry Beelzeebub writes.

.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Life Is A Terminal Illness.

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.. . . Plus
Lots of boxed shorts -- jokes, one-liners and puns
-- that we couldn't be bothered to mention.
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..22 . • FEATURE -- Mr And Miss Ogyny: Enough of the hypocrisy, let's acknowledge what we all know -- that the there is gender gap so wide none of us can see the other side. It is time to take the fallacy out of phallus so everyone can have a ball.

.. . . • FEATURE SERIES -- CUNNING STUNTS:
The Mind Of Marketing -- You Have Been Warned.
Continued from previous page.
Virtual Stupidity -- And Real Intelligence.
Specially designed to make you feel good about your own inability to deal with your computer -- a selection of the best computing stories around.
Dedicated to . . . ....
Oh, never mind....
You know who you are....

. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Final Warning: Spermicidal jelly, mmmmmm!

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.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- Blond Bombshells: Hair today and blond tomorrow.

.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Three Proverbs: More proverbs for the 21st century from our mysterious manuscript. As Homer (Simpson, not the Greek one) would say: "Funny because they are true."

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..23 . • FEATURE SERIES -- Mr Filth's House of Sleaze: Oh, how disgusting. Extremely low humour with not one expletive deleted to delight lowlifes and degenerates everywhere. Hi, guys!

.. . . • DIARY -- The Midnight Rambler:Despite the writs outstanding, our dubious diarist has been creeping through the corridors, ducking in the doorways and standing in the shadows as he seeks out scintillating snippets of sleaze to satisfy your salacious appetites.

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.. . . • INSPIRATIONAL -- Three Proverbs: The last Inspirational and it is three more proverbs for the 21st century.

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..24 . • FEATURE SERIES -- The Horrors Cope: Despite the fact that we have a House Astrologer, the THC column (there's nothing like THC to help you cope with life) has not improved. She won't have anything to do with it, so we had to get our heavenly dominatrix, Astrobitch, back.

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.. . . • FEATURE SERIES -- Ask Auntie Edith: Oh, the agony of Auntie Edith. It is that you just don't know how to knit yourselves out of your problem lives.

.. . . • BOXED FEATURETTE -- The Credits: A special service to the CIA. But you've never read credits quite like these. That is why we describe them as a 'Featurette.'

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.. . . • CARTOON -- The Amazing Bouncing Ginsburgs: Bouncing into disgracelands.

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.... .. . • TRAILER -- The Very Last Trailer: Aaaahhh! But the very longest. Almost as good as reading the articles it previews.

. . THE LEGAL STUFF BOX: You've never read a disclaimer quite like ours.

. . THE FINAL WORD: And the final word is . . . .
At the end of this mammoth undertaking, at the point where the whole issue is about to go on-line, we offer you a few final words.
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